2008 is now gone.
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Sunday, 08 February 09 - 11:26 PM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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Over the past few weeks and months I have struggled. I have discovered so many things, and found so many flaws in myself. In a way, I feel like this time is a period of mental growth, I am evolving as a human, and finding out more about my darker side at the same time. My shortcomings are more and more obvious to me, and I am finding my priorities hard to arrange. I also am turning out to be a pretty bad judge of character...
I have learned, that no matter how much you care for someone, and how much you try and give them what you think they want, in the end you still can't be sure to give them what they actually want, and they might not want anything from you at all.
I learned that you can give and give, and never get anything back, and even less than nothing sometimes. Thats just the way it is.
I learned that even though you are right about something, and you saw it, and it happened, it doesnt matter in the long run. Being right can be fucking lonely.
I learned that it is truly impossible to be friends with your ex straight away, and that it only takes a minute of indignant rage to ruin the entire future of a friendship.
I learned that sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix things, but the harder you try, the better you feel anyway. I do not regret trying.
I learned that at the end of the day, someone will always have a problem with something you said or did, and that if they care about you enough, they will forgive.
I learned that a lot of maturity is taking responsibility for your mistakes, and that just coz you were wronged, doesn't mean you were right.
Be careful what you wish for.
I learned that even though everything in my professional life is actually going very well, its not enough for me. I learned that I apparently judge my wealth in friends and love, and those are the things that make me truly happy.
I learned that happiness is something I need to work on. My concept of it is a little too shallow for long term use.
In 2008 I studied animation at Limkokwing University and I loved it. I learned concept art (photoshop speed painting), the basics of animation and the basics of 3D software. I could literally see myself improving week by week and it was amazing.
I started the year single, and recovering from the loss of my deepest love so far. I was able to heal, and although I miss him still, its more like I miss the way he made me feel. I am so grateful for that time we had together.
The first part of 2008 was spent studying, rekindling some amazing old friendships and also...acting. I was in 2 films, Ariff Aris' film Menipulate, and Khai's film London Calling. Both films oddly enough seemed to mirror my recent and current experiences... Life imitating art I suppose...
I loved the time I spent working on those films. They were awesome...
In the summer of 2008 I traveled to the islands of Perhentian and Pangkor with my friend Agusta. I swam with turtles and sharks, and I found Nemo. I also made some wonderful new friends:) That was the highlight of my year. At no point was I happier than right then, there on that beautiful beach with the sand under my feet, the sea and sun and sky all loving me. I felt so centered...it was beautiful.
In August I moved to Scotland, and spent a great month with my family. It was wonderful to reconnect with everyone and feel like I belonged somewhere for once. But at the same time I was missing all my friends in Malaysia. Thats something I still hate about traveling...it doesnt matter where I am, I always miss someone.
In September I moved to Wales to start my MA in Animation. The first night I made a few friends that are still my great friends now. They are awesome and I wouldnt be here without them. On my 3rd night in Wales I gained a boyfriend. He had the same birthday as me.
My studies were tougher than I had anticipated, and that, along with the economical crisis of Iceland, and a job I didnt enjoy, put a damper on me. I was not happy. I was ok sometimes, but to be honest I was a drain on myself and to people around me. Yes, I got the depression. Within the space of a week I lost the boyfriend and the job. Both were not going the way they should. I let go of the job easily enough, but the boyfriend, well we were too close, so I didnt let go fast enough. We tried to be friends.
Christmas was tougher. I was so preoccupied with the ex and the work that was all due in after xmas that I was not good company at all, and ended up hurting the people that cared about me.
I rang in the new year with my ex, and up until recently we were friends, but it went horribly wrong. I opened my mouth in anger, and unfortunately I happened to open it a bit too wide to the wrong people. And so I learned that you can ruin things in a heartbeat. To be honest its for the best, I need to move on, and in a way, it helped. There is truly no turning back now, but I wish noone had gotten hurt, me or him.
All I can hope is that life will let us love again, and that it wont destroy us.
I am lucky to have friends and family that make sure that I am alive and well. They care about me even when they dont agree with what I am doing. These are the people that love me and I need them.
Happiness is something I am struggling with right now. I seem to be happy momentarily but...it never lasts. I feel like I am drowning in a way. Work is going very well, I am being offered work that I can do confidently. Uni work is going well so far too, I am far more organised than I was last semester and hopefully less distracted. But... I am not happy. Emotionally I am a mess, complete and utter and thats something I have to fix before it destroys my career and future and any chance I have at happiness.
So I am going for counselling. Never tried it. And while I am in uni its free, so why not. Why not have someone sit and listen to me moan for an hour. It might help. God knows I have enough issues. For anyone who is judging me for vomiting my heart onto these "pages" you can shove it. All the great artists of the world were passionate emotional and tortured people. I at least am trying to do something about it. I pay my bills, I water my plants, I wash my clothes and body frequently.
I have my shit sorted...sort of.
I want to be a better person, so that I can look in the mirror and say, "Hey you are a pretty good person:)" and actually fucking mean it. I want to go through a day without having a knot in my stomach twisting and turning and fucking me up.
I want to be able to accept the fact that some people will hate me for a while and theres nothing I can do about it, but wait, and hopefully one day get my chance to do them a good turn, although to be honest I kinda think I already gave them enough of me...
I want to be happy. Balanced. I want to be good.
I just want to be loved...:(
PS allir Íslendingar, ég er að koma heim til íslands þann 7.apríl! Verð þarna um páskana:) Ég get ekki beðið eftir að sjá ykkur öll!
Oh and for gods sakes go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button! Its AWESOME!
Panic and Procrastination
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Monday, 21 July 08 - 03:48 PM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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Ok so I am leaving Malaysia in like 7 days and all I feel in my stomach is a pit of...worms I guess.
All day I have been trying so hard to buckle down and clean up my room, figure out whether I need to post any more stuff or whether it can all fit in my suitcase. I have a trillion pairs of shoes and WAY too many clothes that I simply cannot take with me.
I can't stop this anxiety coursing through my veins. Its been tainting everything and underneath it all is this massive fear that at some point I will realise that I am actually LEAVING my home for the past 3 years, all my friends here etc and at that point I will just break down and burst into tears.
I cant let that happen. I cant.
I am gonna miss everyone so much, but I know its not forever, I mean I will visit Malaysia again one day, but ya know you can never go back, it will never be the same.
Its the end of an era. The end of the Age of Helenasia.
In a way I feel like I should have just gone straight away after my farewell party last weekend. Then I would still have the warm glow of booze clouding my emotions. Instead I am being overwhelmed with regret for those who didnt show up, knowing that I really dont have time to hang out with most of them before I leave. I simply cannot take too many tearful goodbyes.
In my lifetime I have said goodbye too many damn times. Every time I leave a country and move somewhere new I leave a part of myself behind, with the people that I have come to care about.
(there are a gazillion and one benefits to moving around so much and I DO love it too, but this post is not about that, this post is about me feeling emo and being unable to get shit done).
Glad we cleared that up.
So instead of packing or doing something productive like finishing off all those projects I began ages ago, I have been spending an INSANE amount of time on facebook commenting on pictures, having random silly conversations and of course, checking out peoples pictures...
Apart from that I spent about 3 hours today on this site.
And the second I close this post I know I am jump straight back to facebook.
Anything to avoid dealing with this knot in my stomach.
Friends I thought would call haven't. And even if they did I wouldn't know what to say. At this point any serious conversation scares the hell outta me.
Writing this all out does make me feel better. While my fingers are rapidly typing I dont have to worry about anything else but at the same time if I actually got out of the house and did something else, I would be constantly looking at the clock panicking about the fact that I still havent packed everything.
God help me. I dont want to say goodbye.
Get over it for fucks sake.
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Saturday, 17 May 08 - 11:11 AM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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I've been kinda lazy lately. No, not with my work hahaha...in my dealings with people. Or to be more specific, in my dealings with people I won't keep in touch with when I leave Malaysia.
And I know exactly who they are. I have become quite good at picking out who is a real friend and who are the ones that I just say "hi" to when I run into them.
The ones who fall into the second category? Well, lately I have become a little ah to hell with it in my dealings with them.
And this seems to be getting me into trouble:P
I have this exasperated attitude, oh why the FUCK should I bother??? I refuse to waste a MINUTE of my time left here on these people.
Just coz they have had a few conversations with me does not mean I am going to bother keeping in touch.
Now pretty much all of you who read my blog are safe, you guys won't end up on the chopping block. Why? Coz at the very least you care enough about what's going on in my life to log on here every now and then and have a look. That's what true friends do. They find out what's going on in their friend's lives. I confess at times I am a shit friend, and I totally understand if people choose to phase me out, I get it. Throughout my travels I have learned that there simply are not enough hours in the day for EVERYONE.
One has to pick WHO is important enough to spend the day with. Although I love chatting with some of my classmates in class, I know also that odds are I will never speak with them again once I leave this place.
Why?
Why should I? Do they play ANY role in my life? Uh no. If they are supremely talented people then yeah I keep them as contacts.
OK this is the point right?
I know that one should go about one's day being nice to people and try and get along, right? I know that. And I do try my best to be nice and friendly and non-abrasive. For those of you who know me you also know how hard that is for me at times.
But lately I just can't see WHY I should waste 10 minutes of my precious time on this earth stroking someone's ego when in truth I do NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM! Seriously! I just won't fucking bother. I just don't care. I am not going to make the effort to mollify you. Why not? Coz I don't CARE enough about you. You won't leave a hole in my life, I seriously doubt I will ever see you again and I sure as hell don't wanna work with you.
So go ahead, go on and spew over me your anger and your aggression. Go for it. Expend copious amounts of energy on telling me exactly how you feel about me and how I pissed you off.
It doesn't matter.
Coz 10 years from now when I look back on this time,
won't
even
remember
you
exist.
Oh...so that's why!
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Sunday, 11 May 08 - 11:30 AM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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Anxiety? Caffeine Could Be to Blame
"Nothing is worse for anxiety than caffeine, says Bernard Vittone, M.D. Found in foods like chocolate; beverages such as coffee, tea, and colas; and medications like Excedrin, caffeine affects neurotransmitters in the brain, which causes anxiety. "
Rest of article is here.
Too much? Hmmm hahahah maybe...But it taste so goooooood!
I also just happen to be one of those people who runs around like a headless chicken panicking at times. Just ask Ariff.
I also just happen to be one of those people who gets irritable very easily. Just ask anyone who has ever stood in the way of me and my coffee/coke/food...
The article recommends eating an apple to wake up in the mornings instead, says it gives the same energy boost. Ok thats worth a try but, thing is, after eating an apple in the morning I get ridiculously hungry, which in turn makes me pissy as hell. So uh yeah. Cancels out the benefits.
So I need to figure outta way to drink less caffeine, without eating more. Coz fuck no I aint eating more, I wanna be skeeny! I also need another way of staying up all night to do my work.
Hmmm...
Screw it. Gotta have some vices eh?
Disclaimer: If you just read a whole ton of stuff you didn't wanna read and you wish you could just bypass the ramblings and see my latest work and inspiration, now you can! Visit The Ultimate Creations of Helenasia and all your dreams can come true!Goddammit
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Monday, 28 April 08 - 10:15 AM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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Well...today HAS been interesting.
Had class this morning which was cool, until my classmate Sam thought it would be super funny to tell me I am not pretty. Yeah go Sam, good job... Seriously I can laugh that shit off once or twice before it starts getting on my nerves and into my soul. I have never been the type of girl who thinks it funny when a guy disses her and no its never made me even more determined to make the guy love me. It just pisses me off.
Especially when it comes from a guy that I have no interest in whatsoever. Sheeeit even if I was into a guy I would never put up with him saying I am not that attractive? I am not a pushover like that! If a guy wants to be with me he better fucking treat me right, no fucking mindtricks.
Yes the swearing is profuse today I know. Fuck off.
And then theres the other thing, when people think they are being cute and they don't notice the warning signs. When someone goes QUIET at your lame ass jokes or starts to punch you in the side, then SOMETHINGS WRONG!
It does not mean I wanna have a playfight, it means you fucking hurt my feelings you moron, and I really do want to physically harm you.
Tickling is different.
Ugh. This is the 2nd time this sem that I have tried to make friends with a classmate only to realise they are hitting on me. Well I dont know if Sam was, but either way, fuck that. I don't like hearing I am ugly. Big surprise right? Am not all THAT confident about my looks especially now I gained a bit of weight...am around 60 kg +, which for me is not so much but yeah in this country it feels like a LOT.
Ugh.
Oh and then something real interesting happened with another classmate of mine... hmmm....I can't really say much here, well ok here goes.
Hann basically var að tala soldið mikið um að hann og kærastan hans séu með svona opið samband og að þau hefðu farið í 3some. Og...jamms...það hékk bara í loftinu. Held að hann hafi áhuga á mökum. Veit ekki...Hann er ungur. 22 ára. Og hann er frá sama landi og Bob Marley. Og já hann er nágranni minn. Og djööööfulli myndarlegur reyndar... ahahahah crap.
Anyhoo, ætla að fara versla í matinn. Heyrumst! Disclaimer: If you just read a whole ton of stuff you didn't wanna read and you wish you could just bypass the ramblings and see my latest work and inspiration, now you can! Visit The Ultimate Creations of Helenasia and all your dreams can come true!Envy
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Tuesday, 15 April 08 - 08:10 PM (GMT) By Helenasia - in Rants |
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Am lying in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking about all the things my friends are achieving here and I just realised something awful. I am jealous.
I am jealous of their talent, of their knowledge, of the opportunities that are coming their way and most of all I am jealous of the confidence that they have that gets them all these opportunities.
I feel like I am constantly out of time, trying to finish projects and schoolwork and I never have time to DO all the things that I know would get me where I want to be.
And why am I out of time? Because in order to make ends meet I have to study or work to survive. Okay yeah its true most people have to work for a living, but there are some who don't have to worry about rent or food.
Am not going to diss that, because lets face it, living under someone else's roof has its own set of disadvantages and I would still choose to do what I am doing rather than that. Its not an easy life at all.
As long as I am studying I can get student loans that cover my living expenses. Or if I work, I can use my paycheck to get by.
Fair enough. But at some point though I should have started to make some money over the years. Its not like I haven't worked. I did. Pretty much my whole life I have worked alongside school. I should have by now been able to save up some money to be able to cushion my life decisions. But I haven't. Why? Where did all that money go?
Basically I am realising quite rapidly that there is one big reason why I am not getting anywhere with my own personal career. Sure I have improved technically and artistically, but to be honest? I feel so green.
There are things I can do, but I still look around and see sooo many people with more talent and CAPABILITY.
So how am I fucking this all up for myself?
Why am I broke, still unexperienced and have no confidence as a professional?
Why, at the age of 28 am I still in school, and the most expensive thing I own is my desktop? With student loans that go on for EVER???!
Yes I own gazillions of gadgets. Yes I have traveled to the far corners of the world. Literally. Yes I dropped my phone in a bucket the other day. Yes I have a shoe addiction.
But I know tons of people who have the same amount of gadgets, if not more, travel around the world like crazy and are STILL able to be in a good place financially and careerwise at the age of 28. Why are they doing ok? I can't be sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with confidence and hard work.
So whats wrong with me then?
I am a fricking gypsy.
I was born in Wales, then my family moved to the States when I was 6, then when I was 9 we moved back to Wales for 6 weeks, then on to Iceland that same year. In Iceland we moved from one town to another when I was 12. Then we stayed put for a while.
When I was 16 my mother moved out, and then to the Faroe Islands (small place near Denmark). I stayed in my father's house. Then when I was 18, my father moved to the capital of Iceland for better job opportunities.
I stayed in my father's house.
I wanted to study animation, but the closest I could get was graphic design. So I took fine arts in junior college, then went into a graphic design degree. During the degree I realised I wasn't going to learn nearly enough about web technology at that school and I also realised how vital web design is to graphic designers in this day and age.
At this point I still hadn't given up on animation...but it was kinda a far off dream and I figured if I became a web designer I would be able to make some dosh. Hmmm...
So I moved on my own this time. To Denmark. I had never been there before, but my grandmother, who had recently passed away, was Danish, so I figured it would be pretty easy to settle in. I knew some Danish from high school and college...
I took a course in Multimedia Design. Halfway through the course I realised that in Denmark I would never be able to settle down. I never felt like I belonged. It wasn't me. I had great friends, but professionally...I was lost.
My final sem I was able to take in Malaysia, so I packed all my (new) furniture, and put it in storage (I thought I was coming back) and flew off to Malaysia.
Now I have been here 3 years, built up contacts, friendships and a reputation for freaky stop motion. All of this was something I never really managed to build up anywhere else.
And now I am about to throw it all away because I need a job. If I want to stay in Malaysia I need someone to hire me who will give me a work permit. And that's a problem. Ok, fresh graduate, alright. Has patchy knowledge, ok. Needs to be trained? Still ok. But in need of a work permit and a paycheck of 3k min? Ah see thats where we get into some problems...
Ok so work in the UK?
Can, but a future at Starbucks isn't really what I want, and lets face it, since I have absolutely NO contacts there, that would be exactly where I would end up. A tall skinny latte? Hell no.
So I picked the best option, doing my masters in the UK. That way I have a year and a half to build up a network and a reputation over there before I have to go work. Hopefully I will have a job before I graduate.
So for those of you who still have no clue where I am going with this?
I am so terribly jealous of those who have already made it where I want to be. And why am I not where I want to be? Because each time I moved country to follow my dreams, I built up debts. Because every time you move, you leave a lot of stuff behind. Its more expensive to ship a bed to Iceland from Denmark than it is to buy a new one. And the same goes for Denmark to Malaysia...
Every time I moved, I had to buy new towels, sheets, clothes etc. Because lord knows its too expensive to have excess baggage...
Its enough to make a person cry. Seriously. Do you KNOW how much money goes into fricking TOWELS and FORKS????
So yeah that's twice I have started over now. From living out of a suitcase to sleeping on an IKEA mattress. Its fricking expensive. Then there's bloody inflation. The overdraft I am paying off keeps growing at an INSANE rate, just because of Icelands bloody inflation.
If I go to the UK I can get a loan there to pay up the Icelandic overdraft which would chill my inflation issues.
But for fucks sake.
Finally here in Malaysia I have found an environment where I can follow my dreams. People here, young people here are DOING things. There are opportunities which are even supported by the government! And since its a relatively young industry here, there are even opportunities for people like me... People here think I am cool...they GET me.
Here I feel more confident than I ever have before.
But...I can't stay. August 1st my visa runs out.
By then I have to be gone.
I am going to miss Bulma's bachelorette party.
I am going to miss my best friend's wedding.
I am even going to miss my other best friend directing a slasher. A FRICKING SLASHER!!!!!!! My whole life I dreamed about being involved in a slasher movie, just working on it, being part of it, make up, extra, hell I DON'T CARE!
I am going to miss all of this so much.
On one hand I know that if I just make it through the next few years I will be where I want to be. I will be able to say I AM someone. I will have my own foundation. My own navel of the universe. And maybe then I can come back to Malaysia.
But I never thought that at the age of 28 I would still be in the same place I was 8 years ago. Ha! When I was a kid I thought that by now I would have an awesome career, husband and kids. I have nothing, and my family is pretty good at reminding me of that, no not my Mom, Dad or sister, I mean extended family. You know, aunts and uncles who can't stop comparing their (superhumanoverachieving) sons and daughters with me.
The entertainment industry can't even begin to compete with my (younger) cousin who is working for the U.N. or something. Even my youngest cousin spent her gap year working with deaf children in Sri Lanka. I am damn proud of them. I am, they know that. But how the hell does one compete??? I can't. I shouldn't have to either.
The competition that they have going on is messed up and how am I supposed to explain to their parents that films ARE significant and can MAKE A DIFFERENCE. That its not all about making someone laugh. And by the way being able to make someone laugh should never be underestimated... it really can save lives!
Ugh, ok you get my point right? Why can't my success be success on its own? Why does it have to be compared to other's success which is in a completely different category!
You know what the worst part is? My category is lower than even the cousins of mine who have not managed to achieve anything but HAVING A BABY. Its like, their whole lives are justified just because they had sex and nature did its thang...
ARGH! Once again, my anger is not at my cousins, not at all, I love them, this is just me venting my frustration at not being understood or appreciated by the "elders".
I want to impress them. I want them to look at me and SEE ME. Not someone's daughter, not a child, but ME, the creative lunatic that I am.
I really really really really just want a good job. But it has to be the job that will one day lead me to winning an Oscar.
I could study until I am 40 and still be in this position because I know that the more I learn, the more I realise I DON'T know.
I am terrified that the longer I take to negotiate the terms of my life, the more of my life is being frittered away... and the longer I spend studying the higher the stakes are. I HAVE to succeed now, I have no choice. I can't afford to be mediocre...
God I hope my plan works.
If not I will see you in Starbucks 2 years from now. I will be the one with the sarcastic smile on her face and with eyes that could drown the world in pain.
Theme song: King of Pain - Police.
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